How to Ask a Girl on a Date / to a dance

02Oct07

I received a comment for my last post that went like this: “I think gorgeous girls are most wanted..” and I felt the need to reply, and kick some sense into the balls of whoever that person was. (And I say balls because I am very certain that the commenter was not a girl.”

Let me put it this way- If you are a guy who is only going for the hottest piece of ass out there, no matter how selfish, depreciating, ignorant, boring, or manipulative she is, then you are just as despicable as she is. Not a single respectable guy I know would go for a girl solely because she’s pretty- if she has no depth at all, she wouldn’t be worth dating. Honestly, a guy has to be pretty fucked up to tolerate the amount of shit a bitch can deal out. And if you’re that guy, then go you, you’re probably not worth dating anyways. And if you are currently dating, then I’m hoping that your girlfriend dumps you.

Anyway, on to today’s topic.

How to Ask a Girl on a Date/to a Dance, etcetcetc.

There are two simple reasons why I chose now to write this. 1) Because guys really need to know, and 2) For all the lovely highschoolers out there, its Homecoming season again. This means a slew of boys picking out the girls they’d like to take to the dance as if they were lionesses bearing down on antelope. But why go with the traditional flowers? Thats so boring, so overdone, so cliche! Not that a nice bouquet wouldn’t do the trick every now and then, but come ON. Be a little more creative.

We’ll go through dances first.

First of all, if she’s someone you REALLY want to go with, ask a few weeks in advance. Plan out what you’re going to do at least prior to your set date for asking. First of all, unless you plan early, there is a good chance your prospective date will be asked by someone else. Also, if it’s something immensely complex, you’d probably need to rehearse again and again until you feel like you’d commit seppuku if the girl dares to even THINK about rejecting you.

Lets use a few scenarios to really grind the point in.

#1: You have had physics homework the entire week, and it’s getting close to homecoming. Because of this huge stash of shit sitting around, waiting to be done, you haven’t planned how you’re going to ask the girl of your dreams to homecoming.

In this situation, you’re fucked. No plan = no practice = you’re going to fail. Unless, of course, you’re going with something simple, but I’ll talk about that later. Even if you were to come up with a brilliant plan in the span of about two seconds, chances are she’s taken, and you’re fucked anyways.

#2- You’ve had everything planned since the middle of September, and your plan is huge, elaborate, and guaranteed to woo girls that you aren’t even asking. Obviously, you’re nervous as hell, but you’re confident in that you are well prepared. You plan to ask in the beginning of October, right as everyone else is realizing that “oh shit, Homecoming is in three weeks” and starts panicking.

This guy will get the girl, get the props for being prepared, and get kudos from every other girl for being incredibly sweet. Since no one else has realized that it’s time to start asking, theres relatively no chance for the girl to have been taken by anyone else.

So does everyone realize now why its good to be prepared? Nod and smile like you understand.

Ways of asking a girl to a dance

Cliche-
Leaving something in each of her classes- This one has been done about thirty eight million times over, and it’s getting a bit annoying. Why? Because by the time she’s found the second item, she will have caught on. By the time she’s found the third, she will have lost patience. If you’re enough of a dumbfuck, by the time she’s found the fifth one, she will have been asked by someone more creative than you. That and you actually have to think up THAT many things to give her. And no, six cards making up the sentence “Will You Go To Homecoming With…” just doesn’t cut it. For this method to have even a tenth of a chance of working, she’d better be so in love with you that she’ll ignore your blatant plainness, or the things you give her better be pretty fucking spectacular.

Cliche but cute enough not to be a sure fail
Singing to her- Every girl’s dream is to have a boy serenade her, and then hand her flowers. Yes, it really is that simple. Although it is overdone and sappy and it violates every code of manliness, suck it up, cuz we want it. Half the charm is about girls appreciating the effort that goes into writing (or rewriting, if you’re not much of a musician) a song. The other half is appreciating the balls the guy must have to go through performing it in public. Public? Yes that’s right. What’s the purpose of a private serenade? Chances are, you’ll come across as insecure, and insincere (do you REALLY want everyone to know you’re asking HER?). Better to make it public- all the more triumph when she accepts because she pities you too much to do otherwise, all the more humiliation when she decides to reject you anyways.

Moving into Cheesy
The long rambling monologue- This one only works if you’re dating; I know this because my boyfriend used it on me, and it worked. I have mixed feelings about this one, mainly because if the girl doesn’t know you well, or only gives half a shit about you, she’ll tune you out two sentences in, and the rest of your meticulously drafted speech will fall on deaf ears. Also, if she doesn’t already know you’re in love with her, it’ll come across as creepy and overwhelming. I mean, which girl wants to suddenly hear that the guy who sat behind her in Chemistry for two years straight thinks she has “the most deliciously luxurious skin” in the entire school?
If you insist on trying a rambly monologue, however, stay away from quoting Shakespeare (no, It’s not the East and it’s not Juliet; It is you being a fucking douche). Stay away from using the words “love, passion, obsession, fervor, worship,” and “goddess” too many times. Actually, stay away from using them at all. Be candid, be simple, be concise, and it’ll be effective.

Examples of a few of the BEST I’ve ever seen-

These are probably all going to require a LOT of time, a LOT of effort, and, chances are, a lot of money. But of course, its the time and effort that counts.

1. The guy asks the girl to meet him before school, in a certain place, under the pretext of needing help with homework. When she arrives the next morning, she finds the entire ground strewn with rose petals, and there is a trail of hershey’s kisses leading up to the guy, holding a single red rose.

Let me get a chorus of “aww’s.” Barf bag, anyone?

2. It is lunch, and there is a lone, inflatable boat, filled with water and a few goldfish, in the middle of the rally court. A few people are swarming about in curiosity at why there is a group of girls standing around the boat, holding paddles. There is a short story written on posterboard propped in front of the boat, and on it is written a short story about a fisherman, catching a fish named Girl’s name goes here. The girls with paddles calls the girl to be asked over, and she reads the story. Everyone crowds around to see her reaction as she flips the posterboard to see, “If You Will Go To Homecoming with me, start paddling!” So she stands in the rally court paddling for a minute. Then, the boy runs up and hugs her from behind.

This probably only worked because the two had lots of private jokes together and the girl knew what the fish and the boat were about (although the rest of us sure as fuck didn’t). If you and your potential date have absolutely nothing in common, and have hardly ever talked, don’t be completely random. You’ll just come across as a dipshit.

Asking A Girl Out on a Date

Basic Etiquette-

Do it online, and I will personally gouge your eyes out with an onion crusted, jagged, acid-dipped spork. And if the girl doesn’t reject you right away, I’d slap her too. Asking a girl out online is lame and cowardly, and the most you’ll get out of it will be “Nice try, but no thanks.” It’s just impolite.
Doing it over the phone is slightly less offensive, because at least you’re talking to her, not typing over the computer like you would to any other sixty-year-old pedophile.
Your best bet would be to do it in person, in a moment when she’s not trying to focus on a million different things, and in a way that doesn’t mark you immediately as a completely blathering idiot. Any of the not completely cliche methods above would work, although asking a girl on a date should NOT be public. Whereas the blatant flamboyancy of Homecoming is purely for girls to make other girls jealous, your method of asking a girl out will, most likely, be reserved for the ears of her few deserving friends. Thus, keep it low scale, but keep it sweet.

Dealing with Nervousness

Seriously, get the fuck over it. Chances are, the girl has spent way longer worrying about whether she will have a date come homecoming, than you have about how you will ask her. Girls are known for being melodramatic, paranoid, and overemotional, and any kind of nervous breakdown you may have will not come even halfway close. Besides, if you show your nervousness, you’re marked as insecure, and insecurity/self-doubt is a HUGE turn-off. Just go with the flow, accept whatever may be coming, and know that, hey, you tried. Because you didn’t chicken out last minute, you’re not completely worthless. Hallelujah.

Summary

So this is the summary of the whole shebang up there, but without all the anecdotes and commentary.
There are just a few things to keep in mind when you’re asking a girl to a dance or on a date- Be prepared, because you don’t want to come across as not wanting to put forth any effort for the girl. Be Confident, because really, who likes shy guys? Be you, because if you pretended to be anything else, you’d seem much more pathetic than you already are. Go with your gut instincts, and if that doesn’t work, then consider your gut instincts completely worthless.

Good luck!
(and yes, I honestly mean that.)

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