AIM Grieviances

Granted, AIM isn’t the best form of communication ever invented, but there are a lot of ways it can make life more convenient. For example, allowing two people who have never set eyes on each other to realize they are soul mates, just because they both typed “11:11!!” to each other at 11:11:11. There are also a lot of ways, however, that it can make things a lot more complicated.

a) not putting on away msgs: i don’t know what about this bugs me so much. Maybe its because I never know who i CAN reach, and who i cannot, and I get very agitated when people don’t respond (that is, if i have something important to tell them). Please, do us ALL a favor, and put on an away.

b) being a jackass: yeah, its a lot easier to be a jackass on aim, because it’s impersonal and thus, makes it so much easier to cuss out someone you hate, or come clean if you can’t do it in person. But really: its disrespectful, its dishonest, and its plain dirty. If you dont have enough guts to say it to their face, then you probably have some reassessing to do on yourself before you start bagging on others.

c) the detachment: true, detachment and lack of actual connection is inherent in any instant messanger, but it doesnt mean you can’t make an effort. It’s easy to be “whatever” about everything when online, but, unbeknownst to you, it is really offensive to some people. so be tactful about what you say, and make sure that if you are being sincere, that it really shines through.

d) Misinterpretation: It is disgustingly easy to misinterpret someone over aim, since you can’t tell what tone they are speaking in. This has, unfortunately, caused multiple arguments and plenty of wasted time, and is thus one of my worst aim pet peeves. However, since it is also unavoidable, its just one of the things i’ve learned to live with. As a result, i believe i am now slightly less offended by “slip of the lips” or things that may sound harsh, whether intentionally or intentionally.

Life Lesson

Age 0- We learn that we can take.

Age 5- We learn that we may take whatever we want, even if its more than our share.

Age 10- We learn that we may take, but we should probably only take our portion.

Age 15- We learn that when we take, someone else gets less.

Age 20- We learn that taking is not a right, but an earned privilege. However, when we give, others take, sometimes too willingly.

Age 25- We learn that we must force someone else out of the taking in order to receive our share. We do it grudgingly.

Age 30- We begin to believe we need more than our fair share, and what is our fair share is never enough. We take without guilt.

Age 35- We learn that enough is never enough, and there is always someone who has more. Why not be the one who has more? We take.

Age 40- We remember that when we take, someone else gets less.

When will we learn to give back?

Cleanliness

Yes, everyone does like order, cleanliness, impeccability. But there is a point when things can get a little bit too clean.

My parents are neat freaks. It is exactly as it sounds: they are obsessive compulsive about cleaning. Initially, such tendencies may seem beneficial- “but your house is so clean!”, “theres nothing wrong with being orderly”- but at closer inspection, an overdose of neatness will give anyone an ulcer.

Don’t take me wrong- I have nothing against a mostly empty desk. More space to work right? I have nothing against clean room- more carpet space to walk. I have nothing against a clean bathroom- less bathroom clutter means its easier to locate that one, minuscule, missing eyeshadow brush. I have nothing against organization- supposedly, it facilitates finding things.

However, I also have nothing against a little bit of clutter. It makes a room look more lived in. The way my parents would have it, each pillow on the couch must be tilted at the exact same angle (no, it can’t be 0.09 degrees off), and the glass coffee table must be so spotlessly polished that you can barely tell its there (other than the obvious light refractions). Here’s my argument: so WHAT if i have the three textbooks I use on a daily basis stacked right next to my desk? I don’t see the purpose of reshelving them between 2 am Thursday night and 2 pm Friday afternoon. No one will see it, and it minimizes time wasted by unnecessary reshelving.

Of course, there’s the immediate reply: “you need to develop good habits for college, and the rest of your life. You don’t want your future home to be a pigsty!”

Oh. So now, because the insides of my drawers are not alphabetically arranged and sticky labeled, my room is now a pigsty? Well, excuse me for inconveniencing you on the odd occasion you may need to root through my desk for markers. Have you ever thought that perhaps I have my OWN system of organization? That perhaps the dust bunnies behind my fabric drawer is part of an ordered chaos? That perhaps, insisting that I reorder all of my college brochures in a method I will never remember will cause me to lose a lot of valuable time (both to organize, and then to de-organize a month later, when I rip the college-brochure drawer apart in the pursuit of that one, pesky UCLA flyer)?

Then there’s the thought that “It’ll make it easier for us if we ever need to find anything in your room.”

Wait. You lost me there. You’re doing WHAT in my room? I won’t even MENTION the obvious logical discrepancies (I would facilitate your invasion of my privacy because….), but will skip right ahead to BUT WHAT ABOUT ME FINDING THINGS IN MY OWN ROOM? Personally, I don’t feel comfortable alphabetizing my books and color coding my shirts. Even if that means it’ll be easier for you to steal my favorite Guess bag. It makes it harder for ME to find things, because personally, I prefer locating books through the “digs through memory and remembers it is under desk behind stack of posters” method. Sorry for the inconvenience?

And for some inexplicable reason, when people come over, I must go through an expedited and much more excruciating version of Spring Cleaning. Here are some common differences between my spring cleaning and my tidying up when guests are over.

1) During Spring Cleaning, I dust my nightstand and my cabinets, and the top of my bed. I throw away everything I don’t need on the surface of such furniture. When guests are over, I dust all of the above, AND the insides of my drawers after I’ve cleaned them out and organized the contents. Till date, I still haven’t figured out why the appearance of the the contents of my fabric scraps container would make a bad impression on guests, who most likely will never see the insides of said container. 2) During Spring Cleaning, I reorganize my shirts so that the summer clothes are the most easily accessible. When people are over, I reorganize my shirts, my fabrics, and my handbags. Wait. Hold on. What are the guests doing in my closet? 3) During Spring Cleaning, I reorganize the stacks of paper accumulating on my desk, so that the unnecessary ones are in the trash, and the rest are replaced on the desk. When guests are over, all unnecessary papers still go in the trash, but all remaining papers are shoved into nooks and crannies where they will, hopefully, never be found by my parents, and where, most likely, they will never be found by me (even if i needed them). No wonder my homework goes missing after guests come over.

What I hate more than cleaning my own room (to an unnecessary extent, since of course I don’t mind keeping it manageable) is when other people clean my room. It seems that, somehow, when my parents organize my belongings, they expect me to magically know where they’ve put my stuff. Especially if they don’t remember, either. My favorite part, however, is when I yell “MOM, do you know what happened to my blush?” and she replies, “Its in second cabinet on the left, behind the 401 and the clorox!” And then, when I dig behind my cleaning supplies (without pausing to question why the hell she’d put my makeup in the cabinet thats full of ammonia), I discover three blushes, an eyeshadow, my brush set, and my favorite lip gloss.

Oh. So that’s where they all went.

.. excessive cleanliness just gets on my nerves. I accept that you plan to keep the rest of the home immaculate and in the never-before-lived-in kind of feel. Therefore, I hope you can respect that I prefer my room more homely and worn in.

Heartless

I have always taken it as a given that people express their emotions and affection in different ways. Apparently other people cannot agree.

Take, for example, my lovely parents.

They just can’t seem to understand that I am not such an affectionate person. Thus, when my dad gets sick, my general lack of condolences translates to dispassion and disregard.  What they overlooked was that I DID in fact express my concern, when I told my dad to “sleep tight.”

Oh right. I forgot. “Sleep Tight” doesn’t convey nearly as much affection as a sloppy kiss and twelve dozen cookies.  Never mind the fact that I’m hardly ever sappy (unless it is with my boyfriend… not that they know that). Or that I have an incredibly hard time spitting out the words “get well soon,” or any other kind of sweet nothing, to anyone within my immediate family. Call it a psychological problem. I don’t know.

So instead of getting a pat on the back for washing the dishes (which, normally, is my father’s chore), I get chewed out for twenty minutes, while I am sudsing up platters and unable to escape, about being heartless.

What gives. What the fuck gives.

I’d like to point out, with the least amount of conceit possible, that I actually was being rather thoughtful. I had wanted to bake cookies with my friend at night, but after talking it through with my mother, I decided to call it off, because my father was so incapacitated by his stomach flu that nobody had the ability to function,  least of all my mother.
I also decided to overlook the fact that my offering to help cook Thanksgiving dinner doesn’t register under “helping with the housework.” Thus, despite offering to cook EVERYTHING except the turkey, I still “never consider the needs of the family,” and am “utterly and completely selfish.”

Oh. Right. Because offering to take eight hours of work off my parents’ hands is just SO unbelievably selfish of me. How could I have gone and done such a thing? Such an unspeakably self centered, thoughtless thing? I am so cruel to my fellow house-mates.  Oh, shamed are they to call me their useless, selfish daughter!

You know, its no wonder I don’t offer to help around anymore.

Hinting

Many guys have talked to me about how they think girls play games with their minds.

They’re probably right. Girls are masterminds at hinting, pulling double entendres, and saying one thing and meaning another. But I’m not going to cover that, because it’s too complicated for me to explain.

But let me cover just a few hints that EVERY boyfriend should catch. And that girls get VERY annoyed if the guy doesn’t.

1) “I’m Cold” And I’m not just ranting about this because I had to say it ten billion times today… and my boyfriend doesn’t catch on. If a girl says she’s cold, REPEATEDLY, offer her your damn jacket, okay? She’s not saying it JUST because she’s cold… She’s saying it because you’re sitting next to her, warm and toasty, and keeping all of your body heat to yourself. Sharing is caring right? And I so did not get any caring today.

2) Shifting away from you physically: Girl is getting annoyed. This is a red alert. If you don’t give her a hug NOW, she will probably kill you soon.

3)  One Word Answers:This is pretty much a SURE indicator that something is wrong. If you haven’t picked up on this by now, then obviously you don’t know her very well. And if you don’t ask her what is up, RIGHT AWAY, then you are even more of a dipshit than I thought you were =\

4) Girl Gushing about how Sweet “So and So” is: … This is very clearly a remark on how sweet you are NOT.  So take a hint (pretty literally), guys, and learn from whoever your gf is gushing about. Instead of being jealous, because most likely, your gf doesn’t give a rats ass about the PERSON who did it, but rather the act itself.

Communication

This is particularly important for long distance relationships (i.e. if you are in college and your girlfriend is in highschool, or the other way around; you are both attending different colleges, etc).

I have a few personal grievances about this one. Perhaps they are just me being blind sighted by getting to see my boyfriend every single day and then all of a sudden seeing him only once every three weeks. Or maybe my complaints are actually legitimate. You can decide.

I fail to see  how two people  can communicate if.. they are not actually talking. In someone else’s eyes, perhaps, it is obvious that you will know exactly how your girlfriend is, what she is doing doing, whether she is off frolicking with other guys, and vice versa, by not talking to her. Perhaps you don’t need, or even particularly want to know. But then, why are you even in this relationship in the first place?

The thing is, relationships are about communication. In fact, lack of communication is one of the most prevalent reasons that relationships fail, and it may be why most people think long distance relationships cannot work. In a long distance relationship, two peoples’ schedules are often radically different, and they may not have time to keep in touch with one another. This leads to problems, such as missing each other, disregarding one another, or even completely forgetting about each other.

Well its simple to see why that would be disastrous.

The simple way to say it is: just put in a bit of effort! It can’t be THAT hard to click on your girlfriend’s screen name and type “Hi.” If it is, then you are probably severely handicapped, and should be looked at by a certified psychiatrist. What about typing “hey, whats up?” on your otherwise worthless cellphone and clicking the send button? Or even, if it doesn’t cause your brain to overload and malfunction, calling her? Or, if you are technologically impaired, they still have the modern day version of the Pony Express around… or is Snail Mail obsolete too? If so, try email.

Because, frankly, girls get very agitated when we think you are not paying attention to us, and we become protective. Girls need a certain amount of communication to thrive (why do you think we talk so much with our friends?). In fact, some girls just never shut up. If it is too MUCH communication you are worried about, try bringing it up gently (”Honey, I have a multi-variable calculus test tomorrow morning, and you e-whispering sweet nothings into my AIM Box is really not helping”).  To girls, however, there is no such thing as too much communication. We want to know what you’re up to (not necessarily every second of every day), so even if we’ve been too busy to be online, send us a short email telling us how it’s going, and asking us how we’ve been.

Trust me, we’d do the same for you.

Except, in our case, the email would be twice or three times as long.

Homecoming Traditions

It has come to my attention that people have no idea what to do when it comes to Homecoming traditions. Examples of having no idea are “who pays?” “Do we HAVE to match?” or “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BOUQUET HE’S FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BRING ME GODDAMN IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!”

So here I am to clarify all your homecoming tradition woes. yayme.

PAYING-
Generally, IMO, the one who asks should pay. Its not fair to make guys pay for EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME, because honestly, no teenager has that much money to spare. Homecoming at my school is around 60 dollars a person and limo is 50-80 a person, so thats already 300 dollars. THUS, you ask, you pay. If you’re a girl who asked a guy to homecoming just to get a free ticket… Go fuck yourself, slut.

The Structure:
Generally, guys pay for BOTH PEOPLE’s TICKETS, TRANSPORTATION, and CORSAGE. Girls pay for Dinner, Pictures, and Boutonnières. Theres several variations of this, including the guy paying for everything, or going dutch, but this is the GENERAL structure.

NOTE:
you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER let a guy pay for your dress or your makeup or your hair. Those things are YOUR ISSUES, and you should NOT expect a guy to have to take care of that. I mean, most girls do their hair and makeup at home, but booking a salon just because the guy is paying? Man, thats low.

Going Dutch-
I don’t see how anyone can not know what going dutch means. So, yayme, I shall define it. It means splitting the costs in half. What you consume is yours to pay for (including ticket, limo, dinner, pictures, and corsage/boutonnière). This is generally what ends up happening if two people are going as friends, as casual dates, if one person cannot manage to come up with all the money on their own, or if the girl asks.

ETIQUETTE ABOUT PAYING-
Discuss it with your date BEFORE you queue up to buy tickets. You don’t want ANY misconceptions, trust me. Getting into line and then realizing that you expected him to pay but he expected you to pay so neither of you brought money…. would be quite an awkward situation. If the guy offers to pay for EVERYTHING, girls, please do protest. Half the time, the guys don’t mean it, and they’re just offering out of generosity/confusion about who’s actually supposed to pay for what. So decline their offer and say you’ll pay for dinner and pictures, at the VERY LEAST. If they insist, however, then you’re free to nod courteously and accept.

Matching-

No, you dont HAVE to match. You dont HAVE to go in your Cinderella ball gown, either. Most people choose to match (as in girl buys dress, tells guy what color dress is, guy buys/rents matching tie.) If it’s out of your budget to buy a new tie for every dance, then don’t match. Who cares? The point of HC is for YOU to have a good time, not for you and your date to be the cuddly-wuddly Oompa Loompa twins.

HC Night Traditions-
Most people go to dinner with their limo group (if they are going to HC in a limo group at all) before they head to the dance. I’ve done Italian the two years I went, and its a LOT of fun. If you’re driving to HC, then pick up your date an hour early and grab a bite at a sit down restaurant around 7 PM. Trust me, you have no obligations to give her a diamond ring on the day of the dance. You’re not even obligated to buy her flowers (so stop asking, girls), although flowers, in the eyes of most girls, would be nice.

Kthats it for now, until i think of something else i need to add.

Cheers!

How to Ask A Girl to Homecoming (continued)

Per the suggestion of a friend, I decided I’d like to help you out a bit more with homecoming.
Thus, a few Do’ and Don’t’ scenarios.

DO

Cook-
As far as I know, girls think guys who cook are fucking amazing. What is even better, is guys who’d cook for THEM. Therefore, I think an amazing scheme would be to ask her to get to school a bit early to test out a “project” for a class, a project that requires you to make food (or whatever other excuse you can think of). Then, when she shows up, you have breakfast laid out for her (or a breakfast picnic for the two of you). Then you can do the whole rose-in-vase, “HC? ” written on the placard thing. This would probably work equally as well, or even better, if you made her lunch. You’d be getting rid of the whole must-make-up-an-excuse episode, but you’d have to find a willing teacher with a fridge and a microwave.

Borrow Your Friends-
And by friends, I mean the PEOPLE, not their money/cars/jewelry. One of my friends enlisted the entire Orchesis Dance Company (the advanced dance class in my school) to help her ask the only guy in Orchesis to HC. She taped individual letters making up the words “Homecoming with?” When he came into the room at 7 AM Monday, all of the girls were standing in a line, facing him. Then, they procceded to turn around and pose, displaying the letters taped to their asses. At the end, she jumped out to receive his acceptance.

Flowers-
Girls who say they hate flowers are lying (unless they’re allergic). No girl thinks receiving a bouquet is nasty and despicable, so, if all else fails and conventionalism is the only path left, go with a simple question, supplemented by a bouquet! I know most people do roses (common colors are pink, yellow, red, and blue), but personally I think a bouquet that is a bit more… unique would be nice. Examples of UNIQUE flowers are daisies (white or pink), hibiscus, carnations, or sunflowers. If you INSIST on going with roses, however, here’s a short breakdown on what each of the common colors mean.
Pink: Appreciation, Sweetness, Appreciation, Admiration, Gentleness, Elegance, and Grace.
Red: Beauty, Perfection, I Love You, and Passion
Yellow: Happiness, Friendship, Joy, and Warmth
White: Purity, Innocence, Reverence
Orange: Desire, Passion, and Enthusiasm
Lavender: Love at first sight
Blue: Impossibility, Unattainability
I think red roses are too heavy for HC, especially if you are just friends. If she’s your girlfriend then by all means go for it. Pink or Yellow, or a mix of the two would be ideal.

Cars-
And by that, I don’t mean let her drive it for the day. If you can drive, that’s fantastic. Take her someplace special and pop the question! (^__^) Or to a picnic you planned for the two of you, or somewhere that is meaningful, somewhere you had happy memories together. Try not to go too overboardly sappy on this one (its easy to OD on mush), or you’ll risk freaking her out. Keep it light and simple, like a elementary school playground.
Another variation on a car is having your friends line up their cars, and writing “Will you Go To HC With…” across all of their cars. It pays having friends who drive!

Loud and Proud-
We girls like to think that you aren’t ashamed of us. Thus, say it loud, say it proud. One of my friends grabbed the mic during lunch and asked her over the mic, from the middle of the rally court. That’s definitely an ego-stoking for us, and we love it. Just make sure the person you are asking is actually in the vicinity.

Interrupt Class-
Just make sure to ask her teacher first. Why? Simple- we hate math anyways. But make sure you’re not busting in there and just asking her straight out. It’s gotta be something WORTH the teacher wasting 5 minutes of class time for.

Dont

Burn down her house-
One of my friends spelled out “HC” in lit votive candles on his crush’s front lawn. This is not a particularly smart idea for two reasons. 1) It is incredibly difficult to pull off. Would she REALLY not notice you being on her lawn for two hours, meticulously arranging candles and keeping them lit? And when she DOES see you, halfway through the C, what are you going to do? Yell “SURPRISEEE.” 2) Votive candles are small and easily kicked over. A flipped over, LIT votive candle puts her lawn on fire, which would be an incredibly bad way to make a first impression on her parents.

Be too flamboyant-
One rose is nice, three roses are nice, twelve roses are nice, seventy-two roses are not. Breakfast Picnic is nice, Breakfast and Lunch is weird, Breakfast, Lunch, and dinner is WAY overdoing it. Catch my drift?

Be Lewd-
We want to hear how sweet we are, and how we light up your day. We don’t want to hear anything about our boobs, our asses, or any other parts of our body. We know you’re superficial, but exposing that while asking us to homecoming… are you LOOKING to be rejected?

Make a Mess-
Especially if she’s the one who has to clean it up. If you’re hiding stuff in her room, make sure you put everything back the way it was. If you’re making her breakfast, put everything in disposable plates and cups. If you do anything that would require us to accept your invitation, and then spend half an hour cleaning? Just consider your invitation rescinded.

Ask Someone You Barely Know-

Because they have no reason to accept you, and they will henceforth see you as a desperate freak. Or, even worse, they may accept your invitation, thus forcing you to pay for everything (tickets, limo, dinner), and then ditch you at the dance. OR they could stick with you and make it horribly awkward.

So hopefully that helped a bit more. If you have any questions, just comment and post, because i REALLY don’t have anything better to do than answer questions about homecoming.

How to Ask a Girl on a Date / to a dance

I received a comment for my last post that went like this: “I think gorgeous girls are most wanted..” and I felt the need to reply, and kick some sense into the balls of whoever that person was. (And I say balls because I am very certain that the commenter was not a girl.”

Let me put it this way- If you are a guy who is only going for the hottest piece of ass out there, no matter how selfish, depreciating, ignorant, boring, or manipulative she is, then you are just as despicable as she is. Not a single respectable guy I know would go for a girl solely because she’s pretty- if she has no depth at all, she wouldn’t be worth dating. Honestly, a guy has to be pretty fucked up to tolerate the amount of shit a bitch can deal out. And if you’re that guy, then go you, you’re probably not worth dating anyways. And if you are currently dating, then I’m hoping that your girlfriend dumps you.

Anyway, on to today’s topic.

How to Ask a Girl on a Date/to a Dance, etcetcetc.

There are two simple reasons why I chose now to write this. 1) Because guys really need to know, and 2) For all the lovely highschoolers out there, its Homecoming season again. This means a slew of boys picking out the girls they’d like to take to the dance as if they were lionesses bearing down on antelope. But why go with the traditional flowers? Thats so boring, so overdone, so cliche! Not that a nice bouquet wouldn’t do the trick every now and then, but come ON. Be a little more creative.

We’ll go through dances first.

First of all, if she’s someone you REALLY want to go with, ask a few weeks in advance. Plan out what you’re going to do at least prior to your set date for asking. First of all, unless you plan early, there is a good chance your prospective date will be asked by someone else. Also, if it’s something immensely complex, you’d probably need to rehearse again and again until you feel like you’d commit seppuku if the girl dares to even THINK about rejecting you.

Lets use a few scenarios to really grind the point in.

#1: You have had physics homework the entire week, and it’s getting close to homecoming. Because of this huge stash of shit sitting around, waiting to be done, you haven’t planned how you’re going to ask the girl of your dreams to homecoming.

In this situation, you’re fucked. No plan = no practice = you’re going to fail. Unless, of course, you’re going with something simple, but I’ll talk about that later. Even if you were to come up with a brilliant plan in the span of about two seconds, chances are she’s taken, and you’re fucked anyways.

#2- You’ve had everything planned since the middle of September, and your plan is huge, elaborate, and guaranteed to woo girls that you aren’t even asking. Obviously, you’re nervous as hell, but you’re confident in that you are well prepared. You plan to ask in the beginning of October, right as everyone else is realizing that “oh shit, Homecoming is in three weeks” and starts panicking.

This guy will get the girl, get the props for being prepared, and get kudos from every other girl for being incredibly sweet. Since no one else has realized that it’s time to start asking, theres relatively no chance for the girl to have been taken by anyone else.

So does everyone realize now why its good to be prepared? Nod and smile like you understand.

Ways of asking a girl to a dance

Cliche-
Leaving something in each of her classes- This one has been done about thirty eight million times over, and it’s getting a bit annoying. Why? Because by the time she’s found the second item, she will have caught on. By the time she’s found the third, she will have lost patience. If you’re enough of a dumbfuck, by the time she’s found the fifth one, she will have been asked by someone more creative than you. That and you actually have to think up THAT many things to give her. And no, six cards making up the sentence “Will You Go To Homecoming With…” just doesn’t cut it. For this method to have even a tenth of a chance of working, she’d better be so in love with you that she’ll ignore your blatant plainness, or the things you give her better be pretty fucking spectacular.

Cliche but cute enough not to be a sure fail
Singing to her- Every girl’s dream is to have a boy serenade her, and then hand her flowers. Yes, it really is that simple. Although it is overdone and sappy and it violates every code of manliness, suck it up, cuz we want it. Half the charm is about girls appreciating the effort that goes into writing (or rewriting, if you’re not much of a musician) a song. The other half is appreciating the balls the guy must have to go through performing it in public. Public? Yes that’s right. What’s the purpose of a private serenade? Chances are, you’ll come across as insecure, and insincere (do you REALLY want everyone to know you’re asking HER?). Better to make it public- all the more triumph when she accepts because she pities you too much to do otherwise, all the more humiliation when she decides to reject you anyways.

Moving into Cheesy
The long rambling monologue- This one only works if you’re dating; I know this because my boyfriend used it on me, and it worked. I have mixed feelings about this one, mainly because if the girl doesn’t know you well, or only gives half a shit about you, she’ll tune you out two sentences in, and the rest of your meticulously drafted speech will fall on deaf ears. Also, if she doesn’t already know you’re in love with her, it’ll come across as creepy and overwhelming. I mean, which girl wants to suddenly hear that the guy who sat behind her in Chemistry for two years straight thinks she has “the most deliciously luxurious skin” in the entire school?
If you insist on trying a rambly monologue, however, stay away from quoting Shakespeare (no, It’s not the East and it’s not Juliet; It is you being a fucking douche). Stay away from using the words “love, passion, obsession, fervor, worship,” and “goddess” too many times. Actually, stay away from using them at all. Be candid, be simple, be concise, and it’ll be effective.

Examples of a few of the BEST I’ve ever seen-

These are probably all going to require a LOT of time, a LOT of effort, and, chances are, a lot of money. But of course, its the time and effort that counts.

1. The guy asks the girl to meet him before school, in a certain place, under the pretext of needing help with homework. When she arrives the next morning, she finds the entire ground strewn with rose petals, and there is a trail of hershey’s kisses leading up to the guy, holding a single red rose.

Let me get a chorus of “aww’s.” Barf bag, anyone?

2. It is lunch, and there is a lone, inflatable boat, filled with water and a few goldfish, in the middle of the rally court. A few people are swarming about in curiosity at why there is a group of girls standing around the boat, holding paddles. There is a short story written on posterboard propped in front of the boat, and on it is written a short story about a fisherman, catching a fish named Girl’s name goes here. The girls with paddles calls the girl to be asked over, and she reads the story. Everyone crowds around to see her reaction as she flips the posterboard to see, “If You Will Go To Homecoming with me, start paddling!” So she stands in the rally court paddling for a minute. Then, the boy runs up and hugs her from behind.

This probably only worked because the two had lots of private jokes together and the girl knew what the fish and the boat were about (although the rest of us sure as fuck didn’t). If you and your potential date have absolutely nothing in common, and have hardly ever talked, don’t be completely random. You’ll just come across as a dipshit.

Asking A Girl Out on a Date

Basic Etiquette-

Do it online, and I will personally gouge your eyes out with an onion crusted, jagged, acid-dipped spork. And if the girl doesn’t reject you right away, I’d slap her too. Asking a girl out online is lame and cowardly, and the most you’ll get out of it will be “Nice try, but no thanks.” It’s just impolite.
Doing it over the phone is slightly less offensive, because at least you’re talking to her, not typing over the computer like you would to any other sixty-year-old pedophile.
Your best bet would be to do it in person, in a moment when she’s not trying to focus on a million different things, and in a way that doesn’t mark you immediately as a completely blathering idiot. Any of the not completely cliche methods above would work, although asking a girl on a date should NOT be public. Whereas the blatant flamboyancy of Homecoming is purely for girls to make other girls jealous, your method of asking a girl out will, most likely, be reserved for the ears of her few deserving friends. Thus, keep it low scale, but keep it sweet.

Dealing with Nervousness

Seriously, get the fuck over it. Chances are, the girl has spent way longer worrying about whether she will have a date come homecoming, than you have about how you will ask her. Girls are known for being melodramatic, paranoid, and overemotional, and any kind of nervous breakdown you may have will not come even halfway close. Besides, if you show your nervousness, you’re marked as insecure, and insecurity/self-doubt is a HUGE turn-off. Just go with the flow, accept whatever may be coming, and know that, hey, you tried. Because you didn’t chicken out last minute, you’re not completely worthless. Hallelujah.

Summary

So this is the summary of the whole shebang up there, but without all the anecdotes and commentary.
There are just a few things to keep in mind when you’re asking a girl to a dance or on a date- Be prepared, because you don’t want to come across as not wanting to put forth any effort for the girl. Be Confident, because really, who likes shy guys? Be you, because if you pretended to be anything else, you’d seem much more pathetic than you already are. Go with your gut instincts, and if that doesn’t work, then consider your gut instincts completely worthless.

Good luck!
(and yes, I honestly mean that.)

OMFG There are TYPES of girls?

Amazingly, there are DIFFERENT girls, all of whom need to be treated differently. Bet you didn’t know that one, huh? So I will attempt to explain the different categories quickly. K bring on the stereotypes!

Disclaimer: These probably aren’t 100% accurate, and not applicable in all cases. But they do exist.

1. Blazin Hot Bitch: This is the girl that all other girls hate. Why? Because she’s the one who gets all the guys. This is the head-turner, the girl every person stops in their tracks to watch, even if she’s just walking down the hall. She’s also the one who looks perfect doing everything (even if it’s something completely disgusting, like picking her nose), and looks impeccable in every single picture. However, she is also the one who is known for trashing everyone else behind their backs while acting like a sweetheart to their face. She’s a backstabber, a gossip, and a hypocrite. But dayum, is she hot. And you, most likely, will never get her. And if you already have her, then you’re probably rich, superficial, and extremely tolerant, because who else can put up with this high-maintenance priss?

2. The slightly less gorgeous, slightly nicer girl: This girl is probably the one every guy wants to date, because not only is she pretty, she also won’t rip your eyes out for saying something wrong. Unfortunately, this girl is almost always taken, not looking, stupid, or Christian. Sometimes, she’s even a combination of the four! Lucky to any guy who manages to snag her.

3. The average looking, nice one: This girl is most often the one pining after unrequited loves. She’s also the easiest to charm. Believe it or not, she’s probably a really interesting person too, one who doesn’t trash everyone she meets. She also the most open minded when it comes to dating- she’ll be less superficial, less materialistic, and less fake. She just demand more affection, since she’s probably deficient in the first place. And if you’re that enamored, she’s pretty, too!

4. The ugly slut- The most desperate, and the least likely to attract guys. Why? She’s just as much of a bitch as #1, with the added disgrace of being a mirror-shatterer as well. She also dresses promiscuously, acts like she’s all that, and trash talks anyone who thinks otherwise. Hard to believe as it is, there are actually guys who are willing to go out with her. Why? Because she’s easy.

So everything I’m going to write about is going to be from the perspective of girl #3 or girl #2. The other 2 girls I’m going to ignore completely because #1 and #4 are really not worth the effort to talk about. And if you really want to know how to treat a girl right, chances are you’re pining after #2 or #3, anyways.