Things never to say on AIM
1. I love you (for the first time)
2. We’re over
3. Fuck you (and all related insults)
4. Just because you’re always home means I have to stay home to talk to you.
5. whatever (I just think w/e is a very rude way to respond in general… but online it’s worse because it never comes off as lightly as it’s supposed to)
6. You’re hot/sexy/cute/about as attractive as a popped zit
and NEVER EVER EVER pull this:
” I have something to tell you, and I think you’re going to get mad at me.”
“okay, what is it?”
— 30 minutes later —
“sorry I just went out.. I’m back now.”
That in general is just a crappy thing to do. My friend used to love telling her boyfriend that they needed to talk, and then refusing to tell him why until like.. a week later. It drove him nuts. Same goes when guys pull something like the convo above.
Simple: Just don’t do it.
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The Girl(friend) Gift Guide
So… my boyfriend’s gift to me this year was… a date. Which is pretty simple and nice, but we reached this conclusion after he agonized (for how long, I don’t know) about what to get me for Christmas. So I figured, since a hundred thousand guys are probably wondering the same thing, and all the gift guides online are useless (I know this because he and I went through some of them and laughed at the useless and ridiculously expensive suggestions), I guess I’ll make an equally useless, but less ridiculously expensive gift guide myself. This also works out as a gift guide for something to slip your girl if you’re planning to ask her out. Enjoy!
Jewelry
You can never really go wrong with jewelry (if she likes rockin’ her bling, that is). Here’s my top picks:
Honestly, we’re all sick of the traditional, shiny cubic zirconium necklaces you buy us. They may be shiny, but they’re definitely not original! So here are a few suggestions that are!
1. Love Birds Necklace, $15.00. What better way to show your love than by giving your love a pair of love birds? But not the real ones of course, because the real ones poop… and do other nasty things. And if one dies, the other one does too. These white acrylic sweeties will never die, which means your love for her better not either.
2. Sassy Sweetheart Necklace, $18.00. A classic, original invocation of her inner Blair-ness. And if you didn’t know what that meant, she will. Give this to her while watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and you’ve got yourself a sure winner!
3. Love Key Necklace, $10.00. Show her that she has your heart all locked up, just for her, by giving her the key to your heart! (Wow I cannot BELIEVE I just typed something THAT corny. Which means you better get her this necklace. I don’t know how those two statements are logically related, but it works. Trust me.)
4. Jeweled Butterfly Steampunk Necklace, $15.99. You know the best thing about this necklace? It’s one of a kind. That’s right, one-of-a-kind. That means you better snap up this beauty before someone else who is reading this blog at this very moment does! Do it! Now! The clock on my Jeweled Butterfly Steampunk Necklace commands you! Watch it go… left… right.. you’re getting sleepy… when I snap, you will buy this necklace for your girlfriend. *snap*
5. Sweet Penelope Necklace, $18.00. Another laser-cut acrylic necklace! Because they are so pretty and delicate looking! Besides, who doesn’t like birds, sitting on scrolly things? That’s right. Everyone loves birds sitting on scrolly things, so your girlfriend will too. So get her one of these! And tell her it will look nice with that really really skimpy black skirt of her’s 
.
6. Scrabble Tile Necklace, $6.95. As far as I am aware, you will need to procure your own chain for these pendants, so for your reference, these would look great with ball chains, which can be found at any bead store, and possibly Joannes/Michael’s!
.. I don’t think earrings qualify as legitimate jewelry gifts for one’s girlfriend. Stick with necklaces or bracelets.
as far as bracelets go… they tend to be more expensive than necklaces (at least.. the ones that I liked were), so here’s two that are almost within my projected price range of under 20 bucks!
Techy Stuff
Yes, sometimes girls like techy stuff too. So here’s a few cute/nice ones!
1. 500XL Ipod Speakers, $60. If you don’t mind breaking bank for these babies, these are quite possibly the COOLEST speakers ever. Yeah. Nuff’ Said.
2. Munny Ipod Dock, $25 + DIY time. Show off your male craftiness and impress your girlfriend by making her this adorable iPod dock! But first you’ll have to buy the monkey thing from here. True, you risk having to buy multiple monkies (after your destroy the first one), but on the bright side, you’ll gain some mad props for being able to wield an exacto knife and superglue, without attaching the knife permanently to your fingers.
3. Hamburger Phone, $15.99. One word: Juno. Because really, which girl doesn’t want to spew unintelligible slang to her best girlfriend while trying to explain that she is undeniably pregnant? Well.. I wouldn’t. But hey, The whole point of having a hamburger for a phone is to be able to say that you have a hamburger for a phone.
4. Lego USB, $9.24 + DIY. I assume every guy has Legos lying around, just begging for some practical use. Well here is one! You’ll have to buy a USB first, like this 4 gig Kingston (which is why the estimated price is $9.24). Then you’ll have to crack it open for some good clean, data-chip sanding fun! Make sure you have a sturdy set of files on hand!
5. Water Powered Clock, $12.99. Although, in the age of laptops, ipods, and cell phones, clocks have basically become obsolete, this clock will be a sure hit with your girlfriend. If she is like any other girl I know, she has probably jumped on the “green” bandwagon, and a clock that grows flowers is the essence of eco-friendliness.
Okay so that wasn’t strictly techy, but I know if I were to suggest truly “techie things” [that I would want, anyways], any other girl would probably be like “wtf?” while you patiently try to explain to her that a couple new ram sticks will probably do her old computer good.
Organizers Galore!
So I’m this huge organization junkie. Even though my desk is a huge mess, I love organizers and agendas that keep my life in order. And your girl, with her multitude of dates, calls, and social outings to keep track of, will probably appreciate the thoughtful gesture.
1. Red Moleskine Weekly Diary, $18.95. The most elegantly simple way of keeping tasks organized, the Moleskine is everyone’s first go-to for their scheduling needs. Besides, when has any girl ever been able to resist red leather?
2. Japanese Animal 2009 Calendars, $14.00. Definitely an A+ on the cute factor, although I myself would probably just look at my computer for the date. Nevertheless, for the cute-minded girl, this is a really adorable way for her to TRIPLE MARK IN BRIGHT PINK PEN when your dates with her are.
3. 8-Days-A-Week Planner, $16.00. Perfect for the goal-minded, overachieving, perfectionist girl. The 8 Days A Week Planner has an extra column for “Someday” tasks that she can use to set goals for herself, and cram more into her most likely already overflowing life. Just make sure to pen yourself in on a few days before you give this planner to her, or you might find yourself pushed into the “someday” column!
4. Non-Planner Datebook, $20.00. This organizer is fun and deconstructed, and brings a uniquely creative element to keeping track of tasks and to-do’s. Definitely something I’d buy for myself, but more likely something I’d wish someone else would get me *hint hint*.
5. Pocket Agenda, $10.00. Slightly smaller and easier to tote around than your typical planner, this small and sweet book is simple and efficient, and is all she needs to keep track of her obligations. I’m running out of things to say about planners.
6. Octopus To Do List, $8.00. I think this is the cutest thing ever. And I probably need one of these, except I have a to do list already on Remember The Milk. And my Ipod Touch. And in Thunderbird. And scrawled on random post its.
Other random things
Because I’m tired of looking up and categorizing other random things you could possibly give your girlfriend, here’s a quick picture list of all the other things you can give her!
Okay. It’s 4 am Pacific time, I’m gonna be getting up in 4 hours to videotape my sister’s performance, so that BETTER have helped someone, or I will have wasted the last five hours of my time. Time for me to sleep!
Peace.
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Communication
This is particularly important for long distance relationships (i.e. if you are in college and your girlfriend is in highschool, or the other way around; you are both attending different colleges, etc).
I have a few personal grievances about this one. Perhaps they are just me being blind sighted by getting to see my boyfriend every single day and then all of a sudden seeing him only once every three weeks. Or maybe my complaints are actually legitimate. You can decide.
I fail to see how two people can communicate if.. they are not actually talking. In someone else’s eyes, perhaps, it is obvious that you will know exactly how your girlfriend is, what she is doing doing, whether she is off frolicking with other guys, and vice versa, by not talking to her. Perhaps you don’t need, or even particularly want to know. But then, why are you even in this relationship in the first place?
The thing is, relationships are about communication. In fact, lack of communication is one of the most prevalent reasons that relationships fail, and it may be why most people think long distance relationships cannot work. In a long distance relationship, two peoples’ schedules are often radically different, and they may not have time to keep in touch with one another. This leads to problems, such as missing each other, disregarding one another, or even completely forgetting about each other.
Well its simple to see why that would be disastrous.
The simple way to say it is: just put in a bit of effort! It can’t be THAT hard to click on your girlfriend’s screen name and type “Hi.” If it is, then you are probably severely handicapped, and should be looked at by a certified psychiatrist. What about typing “hey, whats up?” on your otherwise worthless cellphone and clicking the send button? Or even, if it doesn’t cause your brain to overload and malfunction, calling her? Or, if you are technologically impaired, they still have the modern day version of the Pony Express around… or is Snail Mail obsolete too? If so, try email.
Because, frankly, girls get very agitated when we think you are not paying attention to us, and we become protective. Girls need a certain amount of communication to thrive (why do you think we talk so much with our friends?). In fact, some girls just never shut up. If it is too MUCH communication you are worried about, try bringing it up gently (“Honey, I have a multi-variable calculus test tomorrow morning, and you e-whispering sweet nothings into my AIM Box is really not helping”). To girls, however, there is no such thing as too much communication. We want to know what you’re up to (not necessarily every second of every day), so even if we’ve been too busy to be online, send us a short email telling us how it’s going, and asking us how we’ve been.
Trust me, we’d do the same for you.
Except, in our case, the email would be twice or three times as long.
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Per the suggestion of a friend, I decided I’d like to help you out a bit more with homecoming.
Thus, a few Do’ and Don’t’ scenarios.
DO
Cook-
As far as I know, girls think guys who cook are fucking amazing. What is even better, is guys who’d cook for THEM. Therefore, I think an amazing scheme would be to ask her to get to school a bit early to test out a “project” for a class, a project that requires you to make food (or whatever other excuse you can think of). Then, when she shows up, you have breakfast laid out for her (or a breakfast picnic for the two of you). Then you can do the whole rose-in-vase, “HC? ” written on the placard thing. This would probably work equally as well, or even better, if you made her lunch. You’d be getting rid of the whole must-make-up-an-excuse episode, but you’d have to find a willing teacher with a fridge and a microwave.
Borrow Your Friends-
And by friends, I mean the PEOPLE, not their money/cars/jewelry. One of my friends enlisted the entire Orchesis Dance Company (the advanced dance class in my school) to help her ask the only guy in Orchesis to HC. She taped individual letters making up the words “Homecoming with?” When he came into the room at 7 AM Monday, all of the girls were standing in a line, facing him. Then, they procceded to turn around and pose, displaying the letters taped to their asses. At the end, she jumped out to receive his acceptance.
Flowers-
Girls who say they hate flowers are lying (unless they’re allergic). No girl thinks receiving a bouquet is nasty and despicable, so, if all else fails and conventionalism is the only path left, go with a simple question, supplemented by a bouquet! I know most people do roses (common colors are pink, yellow, red, and blue), but personally I think a bouquet that is a bit more… unique would be nice. Examples of UNIQUE flowers are daisies (white or pink), hibiscus, carnations, or sunflowers. If you INSIST on going with roses, however, here’s a short breakdown on what each of the common colors mean.
Pink: Appreciation, Sweetness, Appreciation, Admiration, Gentleness, Elegance, and Grace.
Red: Beauty, Perfection, I Love You, and Passion
Yellow: Happiness, Friendship, Joy, and Warmth
White: Purity, Innocence, Reverence
Orange: Desire, Passion, and Enthusiasm
Lavender: Love at first sight
Blue: Impossibility, Unattainability
I think red roses are too heavy for HC, especially if you are just friends. If she’s your girlfriend then by all means go for it. Pink or Yellow, or a mix of the two would be ideal.
Cars-
And by that, I don’t mean let her drive it for the day. If you can drive, that’s fantastic. Take her someplace special and pop the question! (^__^) Or to a picnic you planned for the two of you, or somewhere that is meaningful, somewhere you had happy memories together. Try not to go too overboardly sappy on this one (its easy to OD on mush), or you’ll risk freaking her out. Keep it light and simple, like a elementary school playground.
Another variation on a car is having your friends line up their cars, and writing “Will you Go To HC With…” across all of their cars. It pays having friends who drive!
Loud and Proud-
We girls like to think that you aren’t ashamed of us. Thus, say it loud, say it proud. One of my friends grabbed the mic during lunch and asked her over the mic, from the middle of the rally court. That’s definitely an ego-stoking for us, and we love it. Just make sure the person you are asking is actually in the vicinity.
Interrupt Class-
Just make sure to ask her teacher first. Why? Simple- we hate math anyways. But make sure you’re not busting in there and just asking her straight out. It’s gotta be something WORTH the teacher wasting 5 minutes of class time for.
Dont
Burn down her house-
One of my friends spelled out “HC” in lit votive candles on his crush’s front lawn. This is not a particularly smart idea for two reasons. 1) It is incredibly difficult to pull off. Would she REALLY not notice you being on her lawn for two hours, meticulously arranging candles and keeping them lit? And when she DOES see you, halfway through the C, what are you going to do? Yell “SURPRISEEE.” 2) Votive candles are small and easily kicked over. A flipped over, LIT votive candle puts her lawn on fire, which would be an incredibly bad way to make a first impression on her parents.
Be too flamboyant-
One rose is nice, three roses are nice, twelve roses are nice, seventy-two roses are not. Breakfast Picnic is nice, Breakfast and Lunch is weird, Breakfast, Lunch, and dinner is WAY overdoing it. Catch my drift?
Be Lewd-
We want to hear how sweet we are, and how we light up your day. We don’t want to hear anything about our boobs, our asses, or any other parts of our body. We know you’re superficial, but exposing that while asking us to homecoming… are you LOOKING to be rejected?
Make a Mess-
Especially if she’s the one who has to clean it up. If you’re hiding stuff in her room, make sure you put everything back the way it was. If you’re making her breakfast, put everything in disposable plates and cups. If you do anything that would require us to accept your invitation, and then spend half an hour cleaning? Just consider your invitation rescinded.
Ask Someone You Barely Know-
Because they have no reason to accept you, and they will henceforth see you as a desperate freak. Or, even worse, they may accept your invitation, thus forcing you to pay for everything (tickets, limo, dinner), and then ditch you at the dance. OR they could stick with you and make it horribly awkward.
So hopefully that helped a bit more. If you have any questions, just comment and post, because i REALLY don’t have anything better to do than answer questions about homecoming.
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I received a comment for my last post that went like this: “I think gorgeous girls are most wanted..” and I felt the need to reply, and kick some sense into the balls of whoever that person was. (And I say balls because I am very certain that the commenter was not a girl.”
Let me put it this way- If you are a guy who is only going for the hottest piece of ass out there, no matter how selfish, depreciating, ignorant, boring, or manipulative she is, then you are just as despicable as she is. Not a single respectable guy I know would go for a girl solely because she’s pretty- if she has no depth at all, she wouldn’t be worth dating. Honestly, a guy has to be pretty fucked up to tolerate the amount of shit a bitch can deal out. And if you’re that guy, then go you, you’re probably not worth dating anyways. And if you are currently dating, then I’m hoping that your girlfriend dumps you.
Anyway, on to today’s topic.
How to Ask a Girl on a Date/to a Dance, etcetcetc.
There are two simple reasons why I chose now to write this. 1) Because guys really need to know, and 2) For all the lovely highschoolers out there, its Homecoming season again. This means a slew of boys picking out the girls they’d like to take to the dance as if they were lionesses bearing down on antelope. But why go with the traditional flowers? Thats so boring, so overdone, so cliche! Not that a nice bouquet wouldn’t do the trick every now and then, but come ON. Be a little more creative.
We’ll go through dances first.
First of all, if she’s someone you REALLY want to go with, ask a few weeks in advance. Plan out what you’re going to do at least prior to your set date for asking. First of all, unless you plan early, there is a good chance your prospective date will be asked by someone else. Also, if it’s something immensely complex, you’d probably need to rehearse again and again until you feel like you’d commit seppuku if the girl dares to even THINK about rejecting you.
Lets use a few scenarios to really grind the point in.
#1: You have had physics homework the entire week, and it’s getting close to homecoming. Because of this huge stash of shit sitting around, waiting to be done, you haven’t planned how you’re going to ask the girl of your dreams to homecoming.
In this situation, you’re fucked. No plan = no practice = you’re going to fail. Unless, of course, you’re going with something simple, but I’ll talk about that later. Even if you were to come up with a brilliant plan in the span of about two seconds, chances are she’s taken, and you’re fucked anyways.
#2- You’ve had everything planned since the middle of September, and your plan is huge, elaborate, and guaranteed to woo girls that you aren’t even asking. Obviously, you’re nervous as hell, but you’re confident in that you are well prepared. You plan to ask in the beginning of October, right as everyone else is realizing that “oh shit, Homecoming is in three weeks” and starts panicking.
This guy will get the girl, get the props for being prepared, and get kudos from every other girl for being incredibly sweet. Since no one else has realized that it’s time to start asking, theres relatively no chance for the girl to have been taken by anyone else.
So does everyone realize now why its good to be prepared? Nod and smile like you understand.
Ways of asking a girl to a dance
Cliche-
Leaving something in each of her classes- This one has been done about thirty eight million times over, and it’s getting a bit annoying. Why? Because by the time she’s found the second item, she will have caught on. By the time she’s found the third, she will have lost patience. If you’re enough of a dumbfuck, by the time she’s found the fifth one, she will have been asked by someone more creative than you. That and you actually have to think up THAT many things to give her. And no, six cards making up the sentence “Will You Go To Homecoming With…” just doesn’t cut it. For this method to have even a tenth of a chance of working, she’d better be so in love with you that she’ll ignore your blatant plainness, or the things you give her better be pretty fucking spectacular.
Cliche but cute enough not to be a sure fail
Singing to her- Every girl’s dream is to have a boy serenade her, and then hand her flowers. Yes, it really is that simple. Although it is overdone and sappy and it violates every code of manliness, suck it up, cuz we want it. Half the charm is about girls appreciating the effort that goes into writing (or rewriting, if you’re not much of a musician) a song. The other half is appreciating the balls the guy must have to go through performing it in public. Public? Yes that’s right. What’s the purpose of a private serenade? Chances are, you’ll come across as insecure, and insincere (do you REALLY want everyone to know you’re asking HER?). Better to make it public- all the more triumph when she accepts because she pities you too much to do otherwise, all the more humiliation when she decides to reject you anyways.
Moving into Cheesy
The long rambling monologue- This one only works if you’re dating; I know this because my boyfriend used it on me, and it worked. I have mixed feelings about this one, mainly because if the girl doesn’t know you well, or only gives half a shit about you, she’ll tune you out two sentences in, and the rest of your meticulously drafted speech will fall on deaf ears. Also, if she doesn’t already know you’re in love with her, it’ll come across as creepy and overwhelming. I mean, which girl wants to suddenly hear that the guy who sat behind her in Chemistry for two years straight thinks she has “the most deliciously luxurious skin” in the entire school?
If you insist on trying a rambly monologue, however, stay away from quoting Shakespeare (no, It’s not the East and it’s not Juliet; It is you being a fucking douche). Stay away from using the words “love, passion, obsession, fervor, worship,” and “goddess” too many times. Actually, stay away from using them at all. Be candid, be simple, be concise, and it’ll be effective.
Examples of a few of the BEST I’ve ever seen-
These are probably all going to require a LOT of time, a LOT of effort, and, chances are, a lot of money. But of course, its the time and effort that counts.
1. The guy asks the girl to meet him before school, in a certain place, under the pretext of needing help with homework. When she arrives the next morning, she finds the entire ground strewn with rose petals, and there is a trail of hershey’s kisses leading up to the guy, holding a single red rose.
Let me get a chorus of “aww’s.” Barf bag, anyone?
2. It is lunch, and there is a lone, inflatable boat, filled with water and a few goldfish, in the middle of the rally court. A few people are swarming about in curiosity at why there is a group of girls standing around the boat, holding paddles. There is a short story written on posterboard propped in front of the boat, and on it is written a short story about a fisherman, catching a fish named Girl’s name goes here. The girls with paddles calls the girl to be asked over, and she reads the story. Everyone crowds around to see her reaction as she flips the posterboard to see, “If You Will Go To Homecoming with me, start paddling!” So she stands in the rally court paddling for a minute. Then, the boy runs up and hugs her from behind.
This probably only worked because the two had lots of private jokes together and the girl knew what the fish and the boat were about (although the rest of us sure as fuck didn’t). If you and your potential date have absolutely nothing in common, and have hardly ever talked, don’t be completely random. You’ll just come across as a dipshit.
Asking A Girl Out on a Date
Basic Etiquette-
Do it online, and I will personally gouge your eyes out with an onion crusted, jagged, acid-dipped spork. And if the girl doesn’t reject you right away, I’d slap her too. Asking a girl out online is lame and cowardly, and the most you’ll get out of it will be “Nice try, but no thanks.” It’s just impolite.
Doing it over the phone is slightly less offensive, because at least you’re talking to her, not typing over the computer like you would to any other sixty-year-old pedophile.
Your best bet would be to do it in person, in a moment when she’s not trying to focus on a million different things, and in a way that doesn’t mark you immediately as a completely blathering idiot. Any of the not completely cliche methods above would work, although asking a girl on a date should NOT be public. Whereas the blatant flamboyancy of Homecoming is purely for girls to make other girls jealous, your method of asking a girl out will, most likely, be reserved for the ears of her few deserving friends. Thus, keep it low scale, but keep it sweet.
Dealing with Nervousness
Seriously, get the fuck over it. Chances are, the girl has spent way longer worrying about whether she will have a date come homecoming, than you have about how you will ask her. Girls are known for being melodramatic, paranoid, and overemotional, and any kind of nervous breakdown you may have will not come even halfway close. Besides, if you show your nervousness, you’re marked as insecure, and insecurity/self-doubt is a HUGE turn-off. Just go with the flow, accept whatever may be coming, and know that, hey, you tried. Because you didn’t chicken out last minute, you’re not completely worthless. Hallelujah.
Summary
So this is the summary of the whole shebang up there, but without all the anecdotes and commentary.
There are just a few things to keep in mind when you’re asking a girl to a dance or on a date- Be prepared, because you don’t want to come across as not wanting to put forth any effort for the girl. Be Confident, because really, who likes shy guys? Be you, because if you pretended to be anything else, you’d seem much more pathetic than you already are. Go with your gut instincts, and if that doesn’t work, then consider your gut instincts completely worthless.
Good luck!
(and yes, I honestly mean that.)
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Tags: , ask, average, beautiful, bitch, boys, charm, dance, date, different, flame, get, girls, gorgeous, homecoming, how, love, out, pretty, prom, properly, relationships, seduce, treat, tutorial, woo
